


Harry Potter and the Clogged Pipes

by Christopher J Burke (Cjburke)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:02:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28574202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cjburke/pseuds/Christopher%20J%20Burke
Summary: Based on a prompt, this was going to be another installment of The Super Adventures of Clark Weasley at Hogwarts, but there wasn't a place for him in the story. The story is told from the point of view of a master plumber who unexpectedly travels to Hogwarts.





	Harry Potter and the Clogged Pipes

Last thing I remember was enjoying the view of the Thames on my lunch break on a beautiful sunny day. Then the lights went out. Something was dropped over my head. I tried to pull it off, but couldn't. Next, I heard a voice say, "Sorry about this, chum." 

I was whisked away so quickly, I felt faint, dizzy. Blacked out at some point. 

Next thing I know, I'm seated in a chair and the hood is yanked off. It's an office, quite messy, filled with boxes, files, and piles of paper. But the walls and the moldings were quite ornate. In front of me was a rheumatic man with hunched shoulders. He had a horrible, pasty face consisting of bulging, pale eyes, sunken, veined cheeks, and a high forehead. Long but thin grey hair completed the look. I stared at him longer than I should have. I turned my face away toward the desk where he'd dropped the hood. 

Except it wasn't a hood. It was more of a hat, a big pointy hat, which I could have sworn -- this part sounds crazy -- it had a wrinkled face on it. I'd been blindfolded with some kind of fancy dress hat? Seriously?

As I gawked, it started to move on its own. "There's no need to stare," it said. Yes, it spoke. The hat had spoken to me. "I did say earlier that we were sorry about all this." 

Where the hell was I? 

"You're in my office. My name's Filch. I'm the caretaker here." 

Had I asked that out loud? "And where is here?" 

"You're at Hogwarts." 

"Hog-whats?" 

"Hogwarts. The school of magic." 

"Riiiiiight." Humor him. And his trick hat. "And you're a magician." 

"NO!" He barked. It seemed to be a sore point. "But there are plenty of wizards here. And even more imps and rascals training to be wizards." 

"Okay. And why have you brought me to a ... school for wizards?" 

"You're a master plumber. Says so in the muggle phone book. And we need a plumber. There's a problem with the pipes in the basement." 

The hat interjected, "It's a tight space, but you'll be able to slither in!" Then the hat laughed like it told a joke. The crusty old man smacked the hat off his desk. I think it bit him in return. 

This was too much. "So this is a school full of magicians --" 

"Wizards." 

"Sorry, wizards. And they can't, um, magic the pipes fixed and clear?" 

For the first time, the old geezer smiled and laughed! "Ha! They can ride a broom, but can they ride a plunger? They wave their wands in the air, but can they turn a wrench?" He gesticulated wildly, then stopped and wheeze a little. Looking back, he felt the need to inform me, "The answer to both questions is 'No'." Just in case I couldn't figure out that he wasn't being rhetorical. 

Then he leaned in closely, although I attributed that to the hunchback. "Between you, me and the hat, I'd just as soon as let them stew in it for a while and see all the good their magic does!" 

Filch glanced at his desk then back to me, and dropped his voice down low. "Maybe not the hat. I don't know if he can keep secrets." 

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt was "You've been kidnapped by a cult. Not for sacrifice or anything, they just really need someone to fix the plumbing."
> 
> I ignored the cult and wanted to use Clark Weasley and Hogwarts, but there wasn't really a place for Clark in the story, so it's generic Harry Potter expanded universe fanfic.
> 
> Originally posted on reddit 4/3/18


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